Saturday, November 27, 2010

Why am I Alive?

One commonality people have that suffer from multiple forms of anxiety is an irrational fear of death often coupled with obsessive thoughts of their own mortality.  Yet us that use drugs and alcohol to mask these feelings engage in behavior that invites death directly to our front door on almost a daily basis.  I don’t know if there is such thing as Guardian Angels but if so mine has been working overtime since I was a young child.  Although in all my close calls in life the official cause of death would have been classified as drowning (few occasions), overdose (couple times), struck by train or car accident the root cause truly would be the anxiety.  Although my own stupidity led me to engage in these dangerous activities, it was stupidity driven from desperation, desperation to escape these overwhelming fears, emotions, memories, the future.  A person in this state of mind truly is a walking paradox in regards to what we fear versus how we act.  This is something that only somebody that has been there will relate to and probably sounds like more foolish justification coming from somebody that can’t handle their liquor.  This is okay, we are so used to being misunderstood that it makes it that much sweeter when we find somebody or their story that we relate to because we have been there and lived perhaps not an identical situation but at the very least one very similar.

This makes me curious about the random news stories you hear of those who have not made and passed away from any number of ways.  Usually they are small little snippets that go in one ear, register in the normal person’s mind as another idiot dying by the sword and then out the other, never to be thought of again.  But what stories that person had leading up to their death.  Their struggles, fears, outlook and how they chose to deal with their surroundings is fascinating.  Each little snippet is a best-selling novel filled rich with hard knock life lessons and mistakes followed by a moment of clarity in which that random person changes their life for the better and passes it on for others to learn from.  But, that didn’t happen in their case, instead their story goes untold and as far as the public is concerned their legacy is the ends and nothing of the means, such wasted treasure troves of knowledge. 

So, why am I alive?  Is it really as random as my wife deciding to roll me over to check on me when she thought I was taking a nap prior to her going to bed and find me purple not breathing, that I just happened to have the additional second to be able to dive off the train trestle to beat the oncoming train, that I for whatever reason just woke up after having supposedly drowned, that I just happened to be exhaling vs. inhaling when the gas can I was huffing from ignited, that my abductor was physically too weak  to hold me down long enough in the Pacific Ocean or is there some larger reason that I was able to fight a riptide drunk for four hours and out of simple frustration rather than any knowledge decide to swim parallel to shore and get spat out onto land and live on to someday write this blog post?              

It is absolutely mind boggling to me because I cannot be that lucky, but at the same I am in no way any more deserving than all those in the snippets of news that some people chuckle at.  So as survivors how are we supposed to comprehend this?  I apologize as I do not have the answer but wanted to pose the question as it definitely worth discussing and meditating on.  I do not know if we have purpose that has yet to be fulfilled, perhaps there are Angels, perhaps….the list of possibilities are endless.  But I write all this to honor all those that for whatever reason did not survive their demons and for us that have to really look at how miraculous it is we are alive.  We survived the ridiculous paradox of Anxiety and Panic and we deserve to take a moment and bask in the euphoria that this momentous accomplishment gives us.  If you are reading this and are still in active use or addiction and you are able to relate to anything I have written, I beg of you to consider perhaps this is your wake-up call that your luck is about to run out and you need to turn, face your demons and please get help now, regardless of how inconvenient or scary it may seem, the only alternative is what we all fear so much meaning death, although it is inevitable it is not meant to be from the means of our self-medicating or the subsequent behavior that comes with it and that is the absolute bottom line. 

I am not sure why, but I felt compelled to write this today for my post and have not stopped typing to think for a second until now.  I truly hope this reaches those that can be helped by it, unless of course this was my purpose and meaning and this post will inspire somebody to go get help, they go on to cure cancer and now the universe is done with me and I die from a hangnail infection. 

For those who have been interacting with me regarding my posts I always love to hear your feedback and any thoughts, opinions, theories or stories regarding this topic please let me know because as I stated I am at a loss for an explanation as to how or why I survived when so many others, many of which had much more to offer the world than myself did not.  As always, thanks so much for reading and my positive affirmations I am going to focus on are that I am grateful that the upcoming work week will go well, I am grateful that the correct audience is going to read this post.  I am grateful that my web store business will pick up and be the busiest it has ever been this upcoming week. I am grateful that the new advertising company for this blog will provide ads that will be much more appealing to the readers and prove to be a profitable decision.  I am grateful that I will have a calm and relaxed state of mind in all that I do.

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