Saturday, November 27, 2010

Why am I Alive?

One commonality people have that suffer from multiple forms of anxiety is an irrational fear of death often coupled with obsessive thoughts of their own mortality.  Yet us that use drugs and alcohol to mask these feelings engage in behavior that invites death directly to our front door on almost a daily basis.  I don’t know if there is such thing as Guardian Angels but if so mine has been working overtime since I was a young child.  Although in all my close calls in life the official cause of death would have been classified as drowning (few occasions), overdose (couple times), struck by train or car accident the root cause truly would be the anxiety.  Although my own stupidity led me to engage in these dangerous activities, it was stupidity driven from desperation, desperation to escape these overwhelming fears, emotions, memories, the future.  A person in this state of mind truly is a walking paradox in regards to what we fear versus how we act.  This is something that only somebody that has been there will relate to and probably sounds like more foolish justification coming from somebody that can’t handle their liquor.  This is okay, we are so used to being misunderstood that it makes it that much sweeter when we find somebody or their story that we relate to because we have been there and lived perhaps not an identical situation but at the very least one very similar.

This makes me curious about the random news stories you hear of those who have not made and passed away from any number of ways.  Usually they are small little snippets that go in one ear, register in the normal person’s mind as another idiot dying by the sword and then out the other, never to be thought of again.  But what stories that person had leading up to their death.  Their struggles, fears, outlook and how they chose to deal with their surroundings is fascinating.  Each little snippet is a best-selling novel filled rich with hard knock life lessons and mistakes followed by a moment of clarity in which that random person changes their life for the better and passes it on for others to learn from.  But, that didn’t happen in their case, instead their story goes untold and as far as the public is concerned their legacy is the ends and nothing of the means, such wasted treasure troves of knowledge. 

So, why am I alive?  Is it really as random as my wife deciding to roll me over to check on me when she thought I was taking a nap prior to her going to bed and find me purple not breathing, that I just happened to have the additional second to be able to dive off the train trestle to beat the oncoming train, that I for whatever reason just woke up after having supposedly drowned, that I just happened to be exhaling vs. inhaling when the gas can I was huffing from ignited, that my abductor was physically too weak  to hold me down long enough in the Pacific Ocean or is there some larger reason that I was able to fight a riptide drunk for four hours and out of simple frustration rather than any knowledge decide to swim parallel to shore and get spat out onto land and live on to someday write this blog post?              

It is absolutely mind boggling to me because I cannot be that lucky, but at the same I am in no way any more deserving than all those in the snippets of news that some people chuckle at.  So as survivors how are we supposed to comprehend this?  I apologize as I do not have the answer but wanted to pose the question as it definitely worth discussing and meditating on.  I do not know if we have purpose that has yet to be fulfilled, perhaps there are Angels, perhaps….the list of possibilities are endless.  But I write all this to honor all those that for whatever reason did not survive their demons and for us that have to really look at how miraculous it is we are alive.  We survived the ridiculous paradox of Anxiety and Panic and we deserve to take a moment and bask in the euphoria that this momentous accomplishment gives us.  If you are reading this and are still in active use or addiction and you are able to relate to anything I have written, I beg of you to consider perhaps this is your wake-up call that your luck is about to run out and you need to turn, face your demons and please get help now, regardless of how inconvenient or scary it may seem, the only alternative is what we all fear so much meaning death, although it is inevitable it is not meant to be from the means of our self-medicating or the subsequent behavior that comes with it and that is the absolute bottom line. 

I am not sure why, but I felt compelled to write this today for my post and have not stopped typing to think for a second until now.  I truly hope this reaches those that can be helped by it, unless of course this was my purpose and meaning and this post will inspire somebody to go get help, they go on to cure cancer and now the universe is done with me and I die from a hangnail infection. 

For those who have been interacting with me regarding my posts I always love to hear your feedback and any thoughts, opinions, theories or stories regarding this topic please let me know because as I stated I am at a loss for an explanation as to how or why I survived when so many others, many of which had much more to offer the world than myself did not.  As always, thanks so much for reading and my positive affirmations I am going to focus on are that I am grateful that the upcoming work week will go well, I am grateful that the correct audience is going to read this post.  I am grateful that my web store business will pick up and be the busiest it has ever been this upcoming week. I am grateful that the new advertising company for this blog will provide ads that will be much more appealing to the readers and prove to be a profitable decision.  I am grateful that I will have a calm and relaxed state of mind in all that I do.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Rejoice! You're Not a Fruitfly

Happy Black Friday for those of you brave enough to go shopping…I am not courageous enough to tackle something like that.  I have been practicing balancing some time for myself and my projects like I wrote about in the last post and have found myself fighting a bit of depression since slowing down which I am sure my small audience can relate to, there is a Buddhist concept I want to share that I ponder on when feeling down and hopefully if you are not already familiar with the precept then you will also find it useful and inspiring.  

Far from verbatim and I will do my best to not butcher the message but the basic concept is for us to meditate on how fortunate we are to have been born human.  Of the countless forms of life in the universe from the mosquito to a blade of grass to algae in the sea, against all astronomical odds we came into this world as human…the mere fact that we are able to communicate this concept to one another and understand is amazing enough in itself due to the gift of human consciousness. What we do this gift is not only to be taken with the gravity it deserves but to also be aware how quickly this gift may be taken away from us.  We could easily die tomorrow and following this precept never be born into human consciousness again but much more likely to be born as one of the billion forms of bacteria rather than as human if we go simply by mathematical probability.  Whether you personally agree with this religious outlook really is not my point but rather the concept that it illustrates.  What will you do with this gift?  Spending it being depressed and joyless or by celebrating the fluke in which we won the ultimate life lottery of being born human and make the most of every moment we have been given in this present form?  I am far from doing the original text justice but I hope the point still comes across and you can find this concept helpful in your life.

So why am I suddenly turning religious?  I assure you I am not, I am not trying to sway anyone to a particular religion or anything along those lines, simply share a bit of what I have picked up as useful during different periods of my life, usually periods of change where I have done soul searching, wondering why I am here, searched for meaning or purpose in life and most importantly what that purpose is.  This lead me to read bits and pieces of several different religious texts out there, just as I have read other non-religious text such as “The Secret “ to which I commonly refer to.  I have found all contain many beautiful concepts, insight and moral values in which to live our life by.  I certainly do not consider myself a religious person but I do consider myself spiritual.  This comes from personal experience and feelings, many situations I should not have survived but due either to dumb luck or some higher intervention I always managed to beat the odds, and in some instances the odds were far from in my favor.  These experiences coupled with something inside me that just screams I have a purpose in this life I have yet to fulfill although I don’t have the foggiest clue what that might be or perhaps everyone has this same feeling inside them.  Please feel free to share whether or not this feeling is inside of you as well as I am personally fascinated by this.

Prior to writing my positive affirmations on this post I would like to explain the concept again as I have received a few questions regarding their meaning.  If you read my post titled  Positive Affirmation I explain it in more detail and how it has proven to work for me in the past when I needed it most. I focus on what I want or need from life, I believe it will happen,  become so certain that it will happen and that it will manifest into  reality that I treat it as if it has already happened.  One of the ways I do this and what has worked for me in the past is stating I am grateful for whatever I am trying to attract into my life  (please read The Secret as I do not come near to giving the concept justice).

I am grateful that I am enjoying taking time to relax and am not struggling with not working.  I am grateful that this blog has become successful and has hundreds of followers.  I am grateful that this blog brings comfort to those that read it. I am grateful that when I continue on my projects they will be successful and generate revenue to help achieve my goals. I am grateful that I am calm and anxiety free.  I am grateful to be filled with joy and have no depression.  I am grateful that you as a reader will try this and see how it will positively affect your life.


Thank you again my friends for reading, although I hear there are still issues becoming a Follower of my blog with Yahoo, people with Google accounts seem to have no problem signing up as a follower, unsure of AIM or the other means listed. 

Thursday, November 25, 2010

When Do Goals Become an Obsession?

Happy Thanksgiving all!  I apologize that I have not posted in the last few days.  My focus has been on my many little projects I have spoken about on previous posts.   It has been a frustrating, hair pulling, teeth grinding adventure the past few days.  I have caught myself many times having to remind myself of what I spoke about in the post called Re-Defining Failure as well as Positive Affirmations.  I have felt that I have failed at a good amount of what I have worked on lately, but like we talked about earlier it is not really failure if any new skills are learned or if headway is made; which in this case, although it seems like a limited amount to me but new skills have been acquired as well as making some headway.  I simply hoped in vain that I would be able to teach myself to write code, implement it and see instant results, which as I write this it becomes clear how foolish this line of thinking is and how far I’ve come in the past couple days, I even have a website created completely from HTML code, published and ready to generate income.  I suppose I considered myself failing due to the fact I cannot get it tweaked exactly the way that I want and some other details that will bore you all as readers if it hasn’t already.  It’s amazing how therapeutic writing can be by putting things in the proper perspective.

The reason I said it also made me think of the post Positive Affirmations post is because I was not following the examples I have written about regarding positive thinking that I know work for me and was allowing myself to focus on failing rather than success.  For those that have not read the post I’m referring to a quick synopsis of what it contains is a very specific example of how I was able to deal with one of the hardest and most anxious times in my life which was detoxing from drugs and alcohol by using positive thinking I basically focused on a lie I told myself over and over which was that I was so grateful I did not feel the pain, did not feel the anxiety, did not feel  basically everything I was feeling and by doing that I was able to get this to manifest  into reality almost instantly could physically feel the calm come over me.  But in that post I only addressed the manifestation of positive thoughts and did not mention the flip side of that same coin.  In the Law of Attraction it is very important to realize the same is true for negative thoughts. If all we focus on or think about is negative, like so many of us with anxiety and panic disorders tend to do and sometimes obsessively, then all we are attracting into our lives are those negative things and something we consider bad will eventually happen or manifest in our life as that is what we are attracting when we focus so intently on negative thoughts although it is not intentional.  So it is definitely a double edged sword, whether we choose to use it or not the law of attraction is always there and ready to serve up whatever we are attracting into our lives.   

I have been focusing and getting frustrated on my failures, so what am I attracting?  More failure, so I actually read through some of the posts that I have written as I must practice what I preach or walk the talk as a good friend and follower of this post will like seeing J  but I have come to the realization that in order keep my thoughts in check and stay positive I need to take time for myself and for my family outside of my financial aspirations in order to try and keep a healthy balance of working towards goals without being consumed by them.  So I am going to try and enjoy the moment as there will always be a new goal and without this balance we will never be able to enjoy the fruits of our hard work and our personal and family lives will self-destruct. This actually was not my wise thinking but came from a discussion from my wife today who asked me when the last time I took any time off to just relax….after really thinking about the answer I realized how badly I need balance in my life.  Not just to keep a positive attitude and attract good things into my life but to realize it is okay to have time for myself and family and this does not mean I am letting my goals slip away. Rather, it is the healthy non-obsessive approach that "normal people" not suffering from any anxiety disorder or addictive/obsessive personalities, so even if it pains me to do so at first I will take a break from the 24x7 lifestyle and it will actually be interesting to see if the amount I am able accomplish is able to stay the same or perhaps even increase due to a more relaxed and healthy state of mind.  I will be sure to keep you all posted on how I am doing regarding all of this.  Here is something you should find useful How to Set and More Importantly Acheive your Goal

So today not just because of the Thanksgiving Holiday but rather because I said I will end every post this way I am grateful for the headway I made this week.  I am grateful that I am calm.  I am grateful that I have found the perfect balance in my life.  I am grateful that I have that I have a firm grasp on how to achieve my current goals.

Thank you all for reading as always.  I have contacted Google and I believe I got the Follower Widget working so please if you would like sign up as a follower of the blog it should allow you to do so now.  Happy Holidays!

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Being Courageous, So Simple a Child Could Do It

Let's talk a bit about courage, what it means to us and think of the part of our lives stored into our long term memory banks as children where we knew no fear even if it was a very appropriate situation to feel it. Many of us that suffer from anxiety would never consider ourselves as courageous and usually far from it, but we all have the capability of being courageous as I will talk about a little later. Most of us know or at least know of people we consider as heroes or courageous individuals. Typically people would think of our Armed Forces, Firefighters, Law Enforcement and of course the many brave people and their actions taken on 9-11. Us that suffer from anxiety may consider people courageous for much less, such as being able to speak comfortably in front of an audience, or for simply looking as if they feel comfortable in their own skin. Not often would anyone think of a five year old child when courage comes to mind, as it is so easy to forget the fearlessness that came so naturally with being a child. Here is an amazing excerpt where a 5 year old boy is faced with a difficult decision resulting in tremendous courage on his part in which he is willing to make the ultimate sacrifice to help his little sister.

“Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at Stanford Hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liza who was suffering from a rare and serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her five-year-old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness. The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister. I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, ‘Yes, I’ll do it if it will save Liza.’
“As the transfusion progressed, he lay in a bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheeks. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded. He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, ‘Will I start to die right away?’
“Being young, the boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give her
all his blood.” Dan Millman, Chicken Soup for the Soul



What an amazing and inspiring example of courage shown by such a small child! "It's So Simple Even a Child Can Do It" is a phrase often used to describe a task that requires little to no skill, but we never look at the flip side of that coin as "It's so Simple that Only a Child Could do it" , again a simple task that should require little to no skill, but why are we as Adults incapable of the courage this small boy has shown? It is all there stored in our long term memory banks all the actions, some of which we now consider fool-hearty but how we acted when we were children with little to no thought of any possible consequences we might face let alone irrational fears. If we could now, as adults be able to summon even a small portion of this courage we held as children then think of all the amazing things we could accomplish! Well beyond beating our anxiety/panic and not just in our lives but also how we could affect the lives of those around us.We all are given opportunities to be courageous in life, sometimes by small and seemingly insignificant acts and other times by actions requiring major sacrifice or risk to one self. It is up to us when or if we will ever be courageous, but let's all at least try to tap into that brave child within ourselves when confronted with our next scenario in which we may feel fear or not so brace. Here are 3 great ways to overcome fear each focusing on different but common aspects of fear; Erase all Fear in Your Life by Eliminating the Root CauseEliminate all Social Fears with Help of Hypnosis and Make your Public Speaking Fears Disappear Today
I hope you all found this excerpt as inspiring as I did.  Today I am grateful that my current research is not overwhelming and that I have a solid grasp on exactly what needs to be done.  I am grateful that I am calm and that today is going to be a productive and enjoyable day.